Why You Shouldn’t Take Failures Personally

for Retail News Magazine 7–8/2022

We Present with the Best of Intentions, But Don’t Always Control the Outcome.

“If you are not in the arena also getting your ass kicked, I’m not interested in your feedback.”— Brené Brown

Human Thinking Is Complex and Contradictory

Human mental processes combine unconscious and opposing motivations. That’s why we shouldn’t be too hard on ourselves when something doesn’t go as planned.

Even if your presentation is high quality, there are variables on the audience's side that you can only partially influence.

For example, people are less receptive before lunch (like around 11:30 AM). Hunger, thirst, fear—these internal states are out of your full control, but knowing when not to schedule a presentation is something you can manage.

Still, we don’t have access to our audience’s:

• Real-time biological markers, or

• Neuroimaging tools.

That means we must rely on instinct.

We Construct Our Reality

Even if you ask for feedback, the responses—even if honest—may still be constructed.

Why? Because people often don’t fully understand their own unconscious motivations, and they’re not aware of why they feel a certain way.

In psychological terms: feedback may not reflect the true mental processes behind someone’s perception.

Emotions vs. Rationality

Emotions influence:

• Opinions

• Actions

• Decisions

They are shaped by genetics, environment, and are highly variable—which makes them unpredictable.

• Emotions play a primary role in experience.

• Conflicting emotions can influence behavior before reaching consciousness.

The old assumption that emotions stem from thought (i.e., cognition first) has been replaced. Modern theory sees emotions as unconscious affective responses—you feel them before you understand them.

“A person may control the expression of emotions, but not the experience of them.”— Robert Zajonc, 1980

Zajonc believed that our first reactions are emotional, and occur independently of rational thinking.

So:

• We have an emotional track and a cognitive track,

• They operate independently, and

• Behavior can stem from either.

Understanding Motivation Is Practically Impossible

You can generalize some behaviors, and even observe patterns. But you can’t fully decode an individual’s motivation.

Why? Because unconscious drivers are real—and powerful.

So even the best researchers and practitioners can’t fully access the complete mental process behind behavior.

Stop Making Assumptions. Focus on Your Potential.

We often don’t even know why we made certain decisions ourselves—let alone understand someone else’s.

So if your presentation didn’t convert despite your best effort:

• Don’t assume the client’s choice was entirely about you or your performance.

• The real reason may lie in their unconscious mind—which even they can’t access.

Final Message

Despite everything we still don’t know—about ourselves or our clients—what does matter is that we always:

• Work to our fullest potential, and

• Focus on what we can control.